Where to Hide the Body?

September 20, 2016  •  2 Comments

Last week I was in the middle of my sister's beautiful home.

High ceilings, large windows, white carpet.

Martha would be proud.

I often come over in the middle of the day to let their 9 month old Labrador puppy out.

She's a love hound.

I turned the tv on. Supernanny

Just as I am staring at the screen saying in my head, "Poor bastards. What is wrong with them. So glad my life is not like that." It struck. Karma.

I hear uncontrollable sobbing from the bathroom.

Flynn? Flynn are you ok?

Door locked.

Answer me Flynn! More sobbing.

I get the door open to see a horrifying sight.

My son could not get the buttons on his shorts off in time and pooped. 

It's a linoleum floor. All you Moms out there are saying easy cleanup right?

No. The door was locked because my small mutant son decided to clean it up himself. He is covered and so is the floor.

I run and get the disinfectant. I shut the door behind us so the dog won't add to the mess.

Strip boy, stick in sink, scrub floor.

I finish and grab the small naked boy like a sack of potatoes and open the bathroom door. Crisis over!

The large love hound puppy runs up to us, but something is wrong.

Her mouth is dripping in florescent orange. I look down to discover it wasn't only her mouth. All of her paws are coated in florescent orange paint and leaving Scooby Doo sized paw prints everywhere!

I grab the dog and get her outside. I send the boy off to play with trains. I survey the damage.

In the span of the five minutes it took to clean up the bathroom disaster one of my nieces had left a tub of orange paint on the floor. 

The white carpeted floor.

The puppy used it as a chew toy. Split it open in the living room leaving a large glowing puddle and ran through it tracking everywhere. 

I sprayed everything down to keep it wet and started scrubbing.

An hour later and I am still scrubbing and getting more panicked. I had to be on Candid Camera. This could not be real life.

I call for backup.

"Torie, you remember how you said you would help with anything?"

"Where's the body?"

"My sister's living room floor."

"Be there in five, you need coffee?"

Five hours later, still scrubbing.

All of the paw prints are up. It is just the spot where the paint container left the puddle that is still there.

Stain remover, rubbing alcohol, Dawn, acetone, carpet steamer. You name it we tried it.

"It does look better. More pale pumpkin then neon now. Will they notice?"

I thought about not saying anything. It might be a day or two before they notice since it is dark when they get home. I can pass the blame off to one of my young nieces.

I didn't. I fessed up. As soon as my brother in law got home I told him. He ran out. Saturated the spot with Goo Be Gone and got up the rest.

Why am I telling you all of this other then to make you feel good about your own lives?

Two reasons.

First, always have an Auntie Torie in your life that will drop everything and hide a body with you.

Second, that was my editing day. I get lots of jealous friends who exclaim, "Oh you work from home. You can work whenever you want. Your job must be so relaxing!"

Really? When was the last time you had sh*t go down like this at your office?

So if you are ever wondering why a small business person is running behind, DON"T! YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

Audrey 4yr (62 of 63)Audrey 4yr (62 of 63)


Jennifer Stamps(non-registered)
Oh. Em. Gee. I'm crying out of laughter, sadness, and pity. #momlife
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