I have been photographing this smart, sassy little wisp of a girl for four years. Towards the end of her shoots Mom would hop in for a photo or two since she is always the one behind the camera.

So when Mom called and asked for a few photos of just her I was all for it.

She was nervous the whole time. She doesn't wear makeup. She doesn't get dressed up. To top it off being in front of a camera is intimidating. 

I like to make fun of the newbie models on ANTM but get in front of a lens and you will see how fast you become a deer in the headlights. 

We talked, she got more comfortable. After four years it was more like having a friend then a client to talk to so things got casual.

As I was editing the photos I fell in love with them. Normally when I see her she is in full mommy mode toting bags and snacks and changes of clothes.

She was smiling, laughing, flirty. Even dancing, my idea not hers.

I was so happy when I sent her the gallery to view. If I love them she had to love them! 

I have my phone near by all day. Waiting to hear that ping. Waiting to see what she says. We photographers actually get sick to our stomach waiting to hear back. It is our validation that we captured a priceless memory. A small moment at the Oscars.

She loved them! She immediately changed her Facebook profile image to one of my favorite ones. If you are a crazy stalker photographer like me you like to go back to your client's page to see all of the praise heaped upon your photo of them. You pat yourself on the back when they tag you and scowl daggers at the screen when they don't.

I woke up this morning checked my messages and then went to peek at her page to see what people were saying.

BEAUTIFUL, OH MY YOU LOOK SO LOVELY

Scrolling down through the messages i'm doing the head bob, ALLL RIGHTTTT!

At the bottom I see one that stops me. That I keep scrolling back to.

That is not you.

It hit me hard. This was not a friend saying, "OMG That is NOT you! You look so fabulous!" This was an older man saying the image was not my client but some kind of farce.

I have the sinking feeling that if I were to do a  photoshoot of myself like this and post it I would get the same response.

Here is the rub though. It would not be me. 

I work and have kids and a husband and family and chaos. 

I will be heading out the door in my sweats, hair in a messy bun as I am pleading with my son to get his shoes on so we can get his sister to school. I will catch my reflection for just a second in the mirror and the first thing that pops into my head is, That is not you.

I am running to the store 11 o' clock at night to get apples and peanut butter for lunches the next day because I did not have time to during daylight hours like a normal human being because I spent my day with my clients rolling in dirt and using my dress to wipe snot off of faces so I won't have to edit it out later. 

I catch my reflection in the store glass. That is not you.

To everyone else in the world this is me. This is always me. Messy, disheveled and on the go. I can't remember the last time I felt like the woman I was when my husband and I were dating. Put together, flirty, dancing. 

That woman my husband fell in love with is still me. The outside just doesn't match the inside.

So at this moment it is taking all of my strength not to troll this man and say, "IT IS HER!!! It is the same Beautiful Wonderful Caring Mom, the only difference is she actually had an hour to herself!"

But I won't. I wish someone would though.

Shannon-18